Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Holidays For Me

Well it is that time of year! The time when I miss my kids the most. When I wish they were here to hold and love! I wish I could watch you open gifts and see a smile on your faces when you see your gift! That is the thing I wish I had! I wish I had hugs from you and kisses! I wish I could hold you when you go to sleep and watch you dream! I wish I could go shopping for you and not know what to get you! I wish that I had to hide you gifts so you would think that Santa brought them for you! Be there the day you tell me that there is no Santa! Then I have to tell you yes there is! I wish that you was here to tell me thank you when you get just what you want! I wish that you could be here!
Love Mommy

Monday, November 8, 2010

Kellie and how she was with the loss of my babys!

I remember when I gave birth to my first daughter I was so happy to have her. Any one who knows me knows she is my world. I love her very much. but I can remember when I was pregnant with Samantha she would talk to my belly and tell he I am you big sister. I loved it so sweet. When I went in to have Sam Kellie was with her grand parents for the day they went shopping in Fort Wayne. All i wanted was Kellie when Sam had passed. When she got the she had no clue what was going on she was only two. To have to tell a two year old the sister was not coming home was no easy. She still did not understand what was going on. We went through the viewing and funeral with her there. I loved it when I would hear her Laughing it helped me so much. She would take people up to Sam and tell them that is my baby sister and she is with Jesus. I would cry and she would Say" Mommy don't cry I love you!" I would cry more. We thought she understood But she did not.We had to go back to the hospital to sign the Samantha's birth certificate and we had Kellie with us.We went in and she was fine we did what we needed to do and went out the door. Just as we did Kellie started to scream she scared the crap out of me! i ask her what was wrong and she said that I needed to go back in there and get her sister. Then I lost it and started to cry. So we had to explain to her that Sam was not at there she was with Jesus in Heaven. So we ended up at the cemetery with her that day and that helped her a little bit it took a long time for to under stand!
             Well with William, Kellie was older she was five. She kept saying she did not want a brother. So when I lost William she cried and kept saying it was her fault because she had said that. Trying to tell a five year that she had nothing to do with it was very hard. But Kellie is smart and she understood after a while.
             So when someone you know losses a baby think about the other kids in the family to. They need as much love as Mom and Dad do!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Oh Mother, My mother

~Oh Mother, my mother~

Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears
invisible fingers
soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
in the day, in the night,
in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I your heart
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly
of yourself
Inside of you, you created
such a world for me
a world of laughter, of love
of sadness, of sorrow
every emotion people come to know
you shared with me
And even though I may never
feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
and your spirit giving me a safe haven
already protecting me
nurturing me
preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on
to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
you gave me the courage to
go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same
for you
Your heart beat will always
call me to you.
Love, your child

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Well what a day!

          Talked to my niece today she was having a sad day! Needles to say it was because of a careless mistake that someone was just not thinking when they did it! You don't send a baby shower invite to someone that has just lost there baby. I remember after Samantha died I could not even go through the baby department a Walmart it would make me cry. But at the same time my best friend had her baby three days after I had Samantha. Talk about hard but I think it helped some to I was so hurt for my loss but trying to be happy for her at the same time. Years later me and her talked about it and how hard it was for her to at that time because she was scared to that it would happen to her.
           I wish Heather the best in all this and that some day she will feel better! But for now I hope people think be for they act and remember that it is ok to cry when ever you want to. I love you Samantha & William and miss you more then you will ever know! <3

Saturday, October 9, 2010

My Baby's

               My first angel that went to heaven was my Samantha Ann Bleikamp. She went to be with God on September 14, 2001. All I could think was why me? Why did God chose me to go through this?  It took me a long time to get through this and with alot of help I did.
                My second angel was born William Robert Budd. He went to be with God on May 22, 2004. Then again I was still trying to figer out why me? Gods chose me for a reson what was it?
                Well never ask why when it comes to God you might not want the anser you get! I now know that God did  this so that I could help others that go through this. I now have two nieces that have go through a lose of a baby. I would never wanted them to go through this nore do I want any one else to. I love my family very much and it hurts me to see this happen to them. It is only by the Grace of God that I made it through my loss.             

                                With Love Mom & Aunt Chrissy